Vigil

Just like that things can change…

Seemed no sooner had the previous post been published than a call from Mom was received.

She had called the hospice nurse at near midnight due to Dad having trouble breathing.

Upon arrival the nurse realized Dad had a fever as well. She told Mom that this was an indication that the time was drawing near and that she should call the family and let them know.

Fast forward a few hours and I find myself trying to piece together exactly what’s happened.

Got here around 1:00am, my brother arrived soon after. We were brought up to speed by the hospice nurse and told what to expect over the next few hours to possibly days.

Morphine had been ordered by the nurse and it was promptly delivered to the house even at this late hour. Since it arrived before the nurse left she administered the first dose and in the process, showed us how to do it.

After the nurse left and giving time for the morphine to do its work we went about the business of changing Dad’s t-shirt and bed sheets given they were soaked with sweat from the fever. The less glamorous job of administering a Tylenol suppository for Dad’s fever was left to Mom as my brother and I held Dad in a position suitable to the task.

As my brother and I were putting a clean t-shirt on Dad he opened his eyes looking at both of us on either side and mumbled the best he could ‘what are you two doing here’. Before either of us could answer his eyes were closed once more and he went back to that place he’s been going to for days now.

My brother and I had wondered out loud just minutes before the changing evolution exactly where this mystical place is that people go to when they’re in this state. Sleeping like a baby for hours on end and waking with a shocked look as if to say ‘why am I still here? I was over there just a second ago’. Do they have meetings with those who have already departed. Maybe that’s why when they wake they seem so aggravated at first. Then realizing they are still weighted down with this mortal coil decide to stick it out for a little while longer if for no other reason than to appease us still in this place.

I’ve been here once before many years ago but the impact was a bit less intimate. Then it was my mother-in-law…unlike the stereotype, she and I liked one another…at least most of the time. Her body was ravaged by cancer as well and she fought to the end as well with the labored breathing and long pauses between the labored breaths until…the last one. Even then we waited what seemed an eternity before the nurse put a stethoscope on her chest and somberly shook her head.

This seems eerily similar and somehow completely different. As much as I cared for my mother-in-law her departure was obviously felt more by my wife than me. Much the same as Dad passing will be felt more by me than my wife.

Blood is a powerful thing and when a close family member is in a state such as Dad we can find ourselves pulled in opposite directions like the Moon pulls at the oceans.

We want to keep them with us while at the same time pray that the passing will be quick and painless. Of course we can’t have both but it doesn’t stop us from wanting them both.

These are just some of the confused notions I have at 4:38am. On a night when anything can happen or nothing can happen.

As always…I must be off